The BestWorst Twilight Fan Fiction ever!
by 0ut-t0night
Summary: Okay, not really. But it's funny! Squirrels, and tons more Randomness! All for you! Rated T cause I feel like it.
1. Philippe the SQUIRREL!

Disclaimer: Me: Okay, fine. I don't own Twilight, or any of the characters. Are you happy now?

Edward: Yes. Gives me a hug

Me: Laughs hysterically and passes out

Bella: Edward, I'm leaving you!

Edward: But… why?

Bella: My heart belongs to another!

Edward: Who? Is it the werewolf? It's the werewolf, isn't it?

Bella: No, it isn't Jacob! (Le gasp) It's Philippe! (Pronounced Fill-eep-AY)

Edward: Who is this Philippe person?

Bella: This is him! Holds up a squirrel

Edward: That's a squirrel.

Bella: Yes, and we're getting married!

Edward: Bella, you can't marry a squirrel.

Bella: He's a very sexy squirrel. And, he shares my love of produce!

Philippe: Yo dude.

Edward: AAAAHHHH! Talking squirrel! (Runs away screaming like a girl)

Alice: Ooooh! I'm gong to buy a tuxedo for Philippe!

Rosalie: Even though I hate your guts, I'm going to throw a bridal shower for you!

All except Edward: Hooray! (Applause and table-dancing)


	2. Bella's Bridal Shower

Author's Note: I do not own Twilight. I swear. Really.

Alice: Bella, guess what?

Bella: Do I even want to know?

Alice: Of course you do! Rose and I organized your Bridal shower for you and Philippe!

Bella: Oh, God.

Alice: Actually, it's right now! (Everyone jumps out of nowhere with party hats on)

All Except Bella: Surprise!

Bella: (Screams) Wait, where'd you guys come from?

Rosalie: She's on to us! Run! (All but Bella and Alice run off screaming)

Alice: Huh. Weird. Here's Philippe's sexy tuxedo! And it's SQUIRREL SIZED! (Holds up tiny tuxedo)

Bella: Oookkkaaaayyy then…. (Philippe randomly appears)

Philippe: Yo.

Bella: Philly! (starts making out with the squirrel)

Alice: I'm just going to leave now….. (Runs away)

Suddenly, a voice shouts from the sky: "THE END!"

Bella: Who's that?

Voice: No one. Carry on.


	3. Why Rosalie doesn't eat human food

Disclaimer: Okay, once again: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WISH I DID.

(At the High School)

Rosalie: (Dancing on a cafeteria table) WOOOOOOOOOO!

Bella: Alice? What the hell is Rosalie doing?

Alice: She's dancing on a table. Oh, God, now she's singing.

Rosalie: Fergalicious definition: make them boys go loco... (Continues signing and dancing)

Bella: What's _wrong_ with her?

Alice: I dunno! She ate a banana this morning…

Bella: But, she's not supposed to have human food!

Alice: I guess now we know why.

Bella: Rosalie, stop dancing!

Rosalie: No frickin way! (Still dancing)

Random Student: Didn't she graduate last year? (Rosalie hits him with a cafeteria tray)

Bella: Rose I'm sorry about this…. (Throws Philippe at Rosalie)

Philippe: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Hits Rosalie in the face)

Rosalie: EEEWWWWW! I have a sexy rodent on my face! (Jumps up and down like a freak, then passes out)

Principal: (Appears out of nowhere) you all have detention!

Bella: Nuh-uh! Philippe, get him!

Philippe: (Battle Cry) (Jumps on principal)

Principal: (Screams like a girl and passes out)

Voice from the sky: Mwahahaha!


	4. Swimsuit Competition!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, or the wacky Cullens. I just make them act like freaks.

(At the High School in a random auditorium)

Announcer-dude: Now, I present the contestants in the Forks beauty pageant! (Pageant-type music as the people walk onto the stage) The contestants are: Mike Newton, Rosalie Cullen, Edward Cullen, and Philippe the sexy squirrel!

Mike: (In a tux doing a pageant wave) Hello, my adoring fans!

Girls: GET HIM OFF THE STAGE!!!

Mike: Noooo! (Screams like a girl as security pulls him off the stage)

Announcer-dude: Okay… there are now three contestants! And now, the swimsuit competition!

Audience: YAY!!! (Applause)

Contestants: (Now wearing swimsuits) Oh crap.

Announcer-dude: Rosalie Cullen! (Rosalie walks out in bikini)

Group of guys: (Scream and climb onto stage) we love you Rosalie!

Rosalie: AHHH! STALKERS! (Runs off stage)

Announcer: Okay then… Edward Cullen!

Edward: (Walks on stage in swimsuit)

Group of girls: EDWARD CULLEN! (All tackle him and chase him off stage)

Announcer: Aaannndd…. PHILIPPE! (Philippe walks out in swimsuit)

Entire audience: WE LOVE YOU PHILIPPE!!! (All pass out)

Bella: HEY! He's _mine_!

Voice from the sky: Okay, even _I'm_ creeped out by this.


	5. AIM

**Author's Note: Remember everyone, reviews make me feel all fuzzy inside… heeheehee. Thanks EVERYONE, even people who don't read this, so, I guess you have no clue that this is here. Whatever, here are the Screen names for the people.**

**SuperShmexyRodent-Philippe**

**DangerMagnet-Bella**

**ShopaHolic-Alice**

**HumanEnvy-Rosalie**

**ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS-Emmet**

**DoctorIsIn-Carlisle**

**CliffDiver-Esme**

**OverprotectiveLion-Edward**

**GeNdErCoNfuSeD-Mike**

**TheWolfRulez-Jacob**

_DangerMagnet has signed on_

_ShopaHolic has signed on_

DangerMagnet: Hey Alice.

ShopaHolic: How'd u know it was me???? 

DangerMagnet: Ur sn, cause u shop so much. Plus, u told me yesterday that was ur sn.

ShopaHolic: Ohhh…..

_SuperShmexyRodent has signed on because he's cool like that_

SuperShmexyRodent: Yo.

DangerMagnet: PHILIPPE! 

ShopaHolic: Hi.

DangerMagnet: Wait a sec… if ur a squirrel, how can u be typing on a computer. How'd u even GET a computer?

SuperShmexyRodent: She's onto me! AHHHHHHH!!!!

_SuperShmexyRodent has signed off because Bella's onto him_

ShopaHolic: Sooo….

DangerMagnet: This is boring…

_ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS has signed on to bug Bella and his sister_

ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS: HI ALICE HI BELLA!!!

ShopaHolic: STOP YELLING!!!

ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS: NO!!! IT'S FUN!!!

DangerMagnet: Hi Emmet.

ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS: Hi Bella. Do u like Jell-O? I do!

ShopaHolic: Emmet, ur weird.

ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS: I KNOW!!! 

_DoctorIsIn has signed on_

_ShopaHolic has signed off to get away from Emmet 'cause he's scary_

DoctorIsIn: Emmet, did you take your meds?

ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS: Maybe…

DangerMagnet: Um.. I'm gonna go now…

_DangerMagnet has signed off because Emmet didn't take his meds_

_HumanEnvy has signed on_

HumanEnvy: Hey honey.

ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS: Hey Rose, u wanna go.. you know.

HumanEnvy: Sure!

_ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS and HumanEnvy have signed off to go do disturbing things…_

_DoctorIsIn has signed off because his kids are perverted_

_DangerMagnet has signed on again_

_OverprotectiveLion has signed on_

OverprotectiveLion: Hi Bella

DangerMagnet: EW! It's EDWARD!

_DangerMagnet has signed off again because Edward is creepy_

_GeNdErCoNfuSeD has signed on_

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: Hi Edward…

OverprotectiveLion: Who the heck are you?

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: It's me. Mike! Your number 1 fan! 

OverprotectiveLion: Ugh.

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: I like pudding!

OverprotectiveLion: I don't care!

_OverprotectiveLion has signed off to avoid his stalker_

_TheWolfRulez has signed in_

TheWolfRulez: Hey, who the hell are you?

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: I'm Mike. He, you're kinda CUTE!

TheWolfRulez: YOU CAN'T SEE OVER THE INTERNET!!!!

_TheWolfRulez has signed off because Mike is a freak_

_GeNdErCoNfuSeD has signed off because he thought what they had was special_


	6. Author Power!

(Author's note/Disclaimer: Comments make me feel all fuzzy inside. I do not own anything that I reference in this story!)

**Voice from above: Mwahaha! I control you all!**

Edward: That's not true!

All: Yeah!

**Voice: Oh yeah? Witness my power! –Spongebob appears-**

Spongebob: F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me!

Emmet: MAKE IT STOP!

**Voice: I like potatoes. –Spongebob goes poof- **

Rosalie: Oookkkaaayyy. Who are you, anyway?

**Voice: Why, I'm the author! I control you all. I made you dance on a table, Rosalie!**

Rosalie: That was YOU???

**Voice: Yep. I know all of your hidden secrets and fears.**

Carlisle: Really? Then what's mine?

**Voice: Rabid Fangirls, of course. –a horde of them appear-**

Fangirls: OMC! It's Carlisle! Get his shirt!!!! -Tackle Carlisle-

**Voice: See? Emmet, your biggest fear is Johnny Depp. Not the one from Sweeney Todd or Pirates, but the WILLY WONKA ONE!!!! -Willy Wonka Johnny Depp appears-**

Johnny Depp: I attack you with my freaky hat!

Emmet: AAAHHH! He looks like Michael Jackson!

Edward: Okay voice, this has to stop.

**Voice: Only if you leave Bella for me. **

Edward: NEVER!!!

**Voice: Okay then. Edward, face the evil emo Barbie! –emo Barbie appears-**

Emo Barbie: I'm not frickin emo! DIE EDWARD!!! –attacks Edward-

Edward: NOoooooOOOoooOOOoooo!!!! –Jumps off a random cliff-

Emo Barbie: Oh well. –Poof-

Esme: You stop this right now!

**Voice: NEEEVVEEERRRR!!!! Esme, now you're PURPLE!!! Mwahahaha!**

Esme: -explodes from purpleness-

Rosalie: STOPITRIGHTNOW!!!!

**Voice: Rosalie Hale…drinks out of the toilet!**

Rosalie: What??? –gets flushed down the toilet-

**Voice: BELLA MUST DIEEEE!!!! Demonic realtors: ATTACK!!!**

Realtors: Have you considered selling your house?

Bella: NOOOO!!!! REALTORS! –explodes-

Realtors: But, we have a deal for you!

**Voice: Alice and Jasper, must become waffles!**

Alice and Jasper: -turn into waffles-

**Voice: I command Charlie to go to Candy Mountain! CAAANNNDDYYY MOUNTAINNN CHAARRRLLIIIEEE!!!!**

Charlie: Ahhh, my kidney!

**Voice: Don't mess with the power of the author. Oooh, BURN!!! In yo FACE! **

(Author's Note(Again): I am sooooo sorry, there were many errors in my AIM chapter. I forgot to include Esme and Jasper! Curse me! Jasper's sn was supposed to be EmpathDude. Just so ya know.)


	7. Movie Night!

( Disclaimer: Me: Ugh, do I HAVE to say it

_( Disclaimer: Me: Ugh, do I HAVE to say it?_

_Edward: Yes._

_Me: I OWN NOTHING. IN THE WORLD. HAPPY NOW?? Well, are you? –sobbing-_

_Edward: Yeeeaaahhh… -edges away from me, who is now sobbing in fetal position-)_

Bella: Well, it's that special time of month again!

Emmet: Oh, God, you don't mean…

Bella: MOVIE NIGHT!! -Pulls out half a bazillion movies-

All but Bella and Philippe: AHHH!!

Bella and Philippe: Yay!

Jasper: Can I please go now? Movies make you guys emotional…

Bella: Ugh, stop being emo, Jasper.

Jasper: -bangs head against the wall-

Carlisle: Well, at least he's not cutting himself…

Philippe: So, mah homies, what should we watch, yo?

Bella: Philippe's gone gangsta.

All but Philippe: Ohhhh.

Carlisle: Medical drama!

Esme: Family film!

Emmet: Action!

Alice: Supernatural!

Bella: Romance!

Philippe: Somethin gangsta!

Jasper: NOTHING!

Edward: Something old-fashioned!

Rosalie: A carefully thought-out film in which a valiant female protagonist prevails over great impediments and, in doing so, liberates an equally noble male protagonist.

All: -stare at Rosalie-

Rosalie: What, I can't have layers?

**Voice from the sky: Sweeney Todd!**

All: Not YOU again!

**Voice: Yes, me.**

Mike: -poofs into room- Hiya guys! Hey, movies! Let's watch something about dogs!

Jacob: -poofs- Hey leeches!

Mike: Hiii cutie! –waves at Jacob-

Jacob: Um, ew. –poofs out of room-

Mike: No, don't leave me! –poofs after him-

**Voice: Hiiii Edward. Miss me?**

Edward: Um, no?

**Voice: -offended- Oh, fine! -poofs all but Philippe out of the room- **

Philippe: You mah McSkillet burrito, where'd my home-dawgs go?

**Voice: Are you speaking English?**

Philippe: I be chillin, I ain't illin.

Jack the purple-bearded leprechaun: Hi everyone! Who wants to go ride a mechanical bull?

**Voice **and Philippe: We do! -all poof out of room-


	8. Chainsaws and Squirrels

Disclaimer: Me:

**Disclaimer: Jacob: Say it.**

** Me: NO.**

** Edward: -appears- Please? –crooked smile-**

** Me: -hyperventilating- Um, I don't own Twilight. –smiles-**

** Edward: Good job. –Gives me a hug-**

** Me: Ahahahahahahahahaha……**

Jacob: I HAVE A CHAINSAW!!

All: OMG!!

Jacob: Bella, since you won't leave Edward for me, I've decided to…

Bella: No, Jacob, it's not worth it!

Jacob: SILENCE! You can't stop me, NO ONE CAN!! -Pulls out a pineapple and starts slicing it with the chainsaw-

Bella: AHH!! –faints-

Jacob: MWAAAAHAAAHAAA!! -still slicing pineapple-

Rosalie: -poofs into room- Hiya everyone! OMGIjusthadthisthingandit'scalledafrappucinoandit'sreallyreallyreallygodandsugaryandthere'slikewhippedcreamandstuff….

Alice: I think she just said she had a frappucino?

All but Rosalie, Jacob, and Bella: Uh-oh.

Rosalie: Yeeehaaa!! -Jumps on a table- I'm F to the E R G the I the E, and can't no otha lady put it down like me, I'm Fergalicious! YEEAHHH!! -Passes out-

Alice: Jeez.

Carlisle: Rosalie needs to take her medication.

Jacob: The work, it is DONE! -Holds up platter with delicately arranged sliced pineapple-

Philippe: Heyo dudes and dudettes!

All that are still conscious: Hi.

Philippe: -randomly gets run over by steamrolled-

Bella: -wakes up- Oh NO! Philippe!

Philippe: -gets up, but is flat now- Yo, shawty! P-dawg is in the hizzouse!

Bella: OMGZ! He's like a little squirrely pancake!

Jacob: -pulls out fork and knife- Hehehehehe…

**Voice from above: Holy crap, do you people EVER stop?**

Jacob: Hehehehehe… -rubs hands together evilly-

**Author's Note: Hey everybody! I've got a teeny favor to ask. Anyone who's reading this, can you please R&R a certain story? It's Cross Road, by daydreamingoncloudz. It's actually a tag-team Twilight fic we're writing together. We've been working on it REALLY hard, but we haven't gotten all that many reviews. Do me a favor, and drop by and review, kay? **


	9. AIM Returns!

**Disclaimer: I…Own…NOTHING. Waaah! **

**By the wayyy, go R&R Cross Road, by daydreamingoncloudz. Why? Because it's a superawesome tag-team cloudz and I are working super-hard on. Also, review make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so…yeah. **

**Screen Names:**

**SuperShmexyRodent-Philippe**

**DangerMagnet-Bella**

**ShopaHolic-Alice**

**HumanEnvy-Rosalie**

**ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS-Emmet**

**OverprotectiveLion-Edward**

**GeNdErCoNfuSeD-Mike**

**TheWolfRulez-Jacob**

**EmpathDude-Jasper **

_You are in the chat room: 'Superdooper Cullens, and Emmet likes pudding'_

_ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS has entered the room, cuz he made it. And he likes pudding. A lot._

_DangerMagnet has entered the room, even though Emmet's in it._

DangerMagnet: Hi Emmet…

ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!! I like pudding…

DangerMagnet: Erm, if you're a vampire, how can you eat pudding?

ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS: Oh, I have ways…. MWAHAHAHAH!!

DangerMagnet: Um, okay?

_HumanEnvy has entered the room, because Emmet's in it_

HumanEnvy: Hi Emmet.

ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS: Hey Rose!

HumanEnvy: I miss seeing you in person. How bout u come to my room, and we can "talk".

ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS: DEFINTELY!

_ILiKeGRiZzlYBeArS has left the room to go do it with Rosalie_

_HumanEnvy has left the room because she is perverted_

_GeNdErCoNfuSeD has entered the room, even though the Cullens all blocked him, cuz you can't block people from chat rooms._

GeNdErCoNfuSeD**: **OMGZZZ!! HI BELLA!

DangerMagnet: Uh, hi Mike.

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: Ugh, you're wearing THOSE shoes?

DangerMagnet: How can you even tell what shoes I'm wearing??

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: AH, SHE'S ONTO ME!!

_DangerMagnet has left the room because she's on to Mike. And to go change her shoes._

_OverprotectiveLion entered the room because he wants to talk to Bella_

OverprotectiveLion: Is Bella in here?

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: OMGZZZ!! EDWARD!! I'm like your number 1 fan!!

_OverprotectiveLion has left the room because his stalker is here_

_ShopaHolic has entered the room to be extremely hyper_

ShopaHolic: Hi Mike!

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: HIIIIIII!! :D:D:D:D:D:D!!

ShopaHolic: Um, you've got a LOT of energy, huh?

_EmpathDude has entered the room because he needs help_

EmpathDude: Uh, Alice?

ShopaHolic: Oooh, Jasper! U FINALLY GOT IM!!

EmpathDude: Um, yeah. Bella's PMSing, and it's really starting to get to me. Also, she says something's wrong with her shoes..

ShopaHolic: Oh, I'll come help!

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: Hiii. Hey, you're cuuuutteee. Do u know where Jacob is? Cuz I've been _looking _for him..

_ShopaHolic has left the room because Mike is scary, and because Bella's being hormonal_

_EmpathDude has left the room because Bella's hormonal, and Mike is a freak_

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: Nooooooo, I'm all alone!

_TheWolfRulez has entered the room to bug the Cullens_

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: OMGZZZ!! Jacob, my love!

TheWolfRulez: Oh, God. My stalker.

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: I took pictures of you while you were in the SHOWER!!

_TheWolfRulez has left the room to go put up boards on all his windows, so Mike can't take pictures anymore_

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: No, my darling, where are you going?

_SuperShmexyRodent has entered the room to be a gangsta squirrel_

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: Hiii. I'm MIKE.

SuperShmexyRodent: I'm P-dawg, the most kickin squirrel around.

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: Neat. Squirrels are sexy.

SuperShmexyRodent: Homie, I know it.

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: I like you more than Jacob!

SuperShmexyRodent: Most people do.

GeNdErCoNfuSeD: Hey, you're not gangsta anymore!

SuperShmexyRodent: Uh, BYE!

_SuperShmexyRodent has left the room because Mike knows too much_

_GeNdErCoNfuSeD has left the room to go stalk Philippe _

**Author's Note: Yes, I repeated the AIM theme. Any new ideas? Give me your suggestions when you review! D **


End file.
